Several emotions have gone through me in the last week and I would like to share:
Hurt: I offered to help someone with editing their book. When I received the copy, I realized that I was re-writing not editing. I wrote a list of things to help them in their future writings, things like stop using adverbs, do not start your sentence with There was and so on. I also edited, re-wrote and sent the Preface and the first chapter, done, to them.
In the end, when I gave up on it, here is what they said: “I guess you get what you pay for (I did not charge them). Is this how you get your ideas for books? You bait new writers and take their ideas and then do not keep your promises?”
Needless to say I was hurt. I got over it but it took me a day of self reflection and agonizing over my decision to abandon the project.
Agonized: When you promise to do something for someone, should you complete the project under any circumstances? If you embarked on helping, should you do it no matter how daunting the process?
My husband and daughter found it aggravating that I even pondered such thoughts. I bit more than I could chew or wanted to chew. It is alright to pull out after helping a little if something is too overwhelming.
Failure: Yes, I felt like a failure for not helping, for not completing what I promised. I did finish editing three chapters but could not figure out where some sentences started and where conversations ended. No punctuation made it impossible.
I failed someone I indeed wished to help. Finding it deplorable in my heart, it ate at me and my sense of worth failed me.
Grateful: I was grateful for my family who helped me assess the situation in a more rational way. They found the accusations hilarious and rude. And even when the person sent me a note apologizing as they realized their mistake, my family stood by me supportive as ever even asking me not to respond.
I am grateful for my loving family who would not allow me to wallow in self pity. They laughed if off and got stern when I insisted on arguing for the person.
Reflective: I found myself once again looking into the mirror of my soul to keep a balance to my insides. I found myself looking up to God so my reflections would not end up selfish and self-centered.
Never one to compare myself to others, I find myself looking for my higher example in the Lord. It is important to find that symmetry.
Forgiving: I found myself forgiving for the accusations. Our stories are like our children. We are caring and loving of them. Even if someone means well when they criticize, we are protective of our creations. Their reaction to my withdrawal was normal and I could see that it was hurtful. A promise broken. The accusations unfounded should never have been written.
Resolved: In the end, resolved in my mind to be more realistic, I would offer help after reading the material or at least a sample of it. It is unkind to offer help and withdraw it. In the future, I will be more cautious with my promises.