Cheating How To Know

How to assess:

  • Feeling like something is wrong: trust you intuition. If you think something is wrong, pay attention. Unless of course you are one of those apt to find a problem everywhere.
  • Constant privacy: if they start to need more time “alone” to surf the net or to go out with friends or to just be without you and they did not do it before, something is up.
  • If they state that you are “just friends”: if suddenly you become just friends then something is on the back burner. They just have not had the courage to break off with you yet, since the other thing is not for sure yet.
  • I love you so much but not “in love” with you: this is the time to run the other way if things are not so deep. If you care then you have to figure out what is going on.
  • More showers than usual: Cheating people will often pay close attention to their grooming habits. Dress better, make sure their hair is perfect. There is a certain amount of normal in this but if it changes suddenly, pay attention, something is up, they are impressing someone.
  • Late evening work hours: a certain amount of late at work is reasonable but if starts up suddenly and keeps getting longer and more often then they are seeing someone else.
  • Needing space: when you are a couple, space is limited but when it is demanded when it was not before, something is up.

In general, the rule of thumb is to pay close attention if things change suddenly in areas that were normal for the two of you. Habits changing or attitudes even. If they get angry too quickly lately or never show up on time when they say they would. When you call they do not pick up.

Refrain from being paranoid but do not be stupid.

Are Losers Judging Me?

Dear Rumcake,

Sameness is my comfort zone and dare I not step out of my shell. God forbid if I explore new things.

I stress when driving and get lost. I hate going to new and unfamiliar places trying to find my way looking or coming across as klutzy or dumb so I won’t take chances.

Do you feel awkward in new place trying to get your bearings, fearing that losers are judging you?

Seeking Solace in Saratoga [Read more…]

Married to a Gay Man

Dear Baba Rumcake,

My husband jacks off to gay porn like all the time. but I KNOW he enjoys sex with me. It is very obvious. but He likes to sneak away and beat off to this stuff about half the time. Says it reminds him of nasty things he did in boarding school. Should I be concerned?

Dear married to a gay guy:

Should you be concerned?  Perhaps, but not about that which already concerns you.  Allow me to explain.

The fact that your husband masturbates to porn is not really the biggest problem here.  Masturbating is much healthier than going out and having actual sex with actual people.  I believe this is true of most pornography, gay or straight.  No chance of sharing STD’s, HIV, crabs, or other nasty nanocrud, not to mention the betrayal of a reasonable expectation of fidelity.

No, the problem here is that you are married to a gay guy and you don’t seem to understand that you are married to a gay guy.  Let me put this into a language that even a nitwit can follow.

Many gay men, who have no interest in women, will nevertheless marry women in order to have the trappings of a traditional home life, including children. It may be an unpleasant duty.  They may pretend otherwise.  They may perform their spousal function the way some children will eat their broccoli: they feel they have to get through it in order to get dessert.  Some men are bi-sexual and want to enjoy the full complement of all the sexual food groups.  Some men are latent homosexuals: they may not realize yet that they are gay, or they may be deceiving themselves.  These types of marriages are not necessarily bad or undesirable.  They can be quite workable as long as both parties know what is happening and agree to abide by the consequences.  I suspect that your husband falls into the first category, primarily because of the stupid excuse he gave you about it.

Having sex with another man = gay.
Thinking about having sex with another man makes him sexually excited = gay.
Thinking about having sex with another man while having sex with you = gay (unless this is a technique to hold out longer so you can catch up).
Going to boarding school = not gay.
Having sex with other boys in boarding school = gay.
Thinking about the boys he had sex with in boarding school and having orgasms while watching other men have sex instead of having sex with the wife = ___________.

If you filled in the blank with anything other than g-a-y = you are a naive idiot.  You’re being not only stupid, but easily manipulated (and not in the good way), should concern you more than anything your gay husband is doing.  It’s fine if you want to be married to a gay guy.  If you don’t, you should probably get another husband.  It should also make you wonder what else you are stupid about.

Blessings and let me know how you do.

Baba Rumcake

Confused in Sausalito

Dear Baba Rumcake,

OCD or just really clean ? My new bf is much, much neater and cleaner than I am.

He takes the cup he made tea in, rinses it w water, then puts it in the dishwasher. This is herb tea w no sugar or milk.

I say that the cup can be dried immediately after rinsing or goes in the dish drain to dry by itself.

Is he over the top or do most people do this ?

Confused in Sausalito

Dear Confused,
You need much more information than that to find out if he is OCD. Check out the cabinets, are all the cans in alphabetical order? Check out the fridge, are the bottles in order of height in the door?

Most of all, check out his closet. Are his clothes in color order? Are the socks set up in some form of design?

Before you decide that he is OCD, keep watch for other signs.

But, I do have to say that it is rather manby bamby of him to rinse off a sugarless cup of herbal tea.

Blessings on finding out the truth. Let me know how it works out.

Baba Rumcake

Live With Abiding Faith

“Belief is not an intellectual act; belief is a moral act whereby I deliberately commit myself.” – Oswald Chambers

Most people who do things based on faith, have always been considered crazy or impractical. Contrary to that are the people who do everything based on their understanding of a situation. Acting on the information gleaned from it. Those are the people that are considered sane and balanced.

But what of our faith life? What of believing in what we have not seen? What of blind faith and acceptance?

I refuse to live my life solely on my own intellect. I have found me to be unreasonable and narrow minded. I have found me to be small minded and do not have the capacity to see beyond what my eyes see.

I choose to live with abiding faith. I choose belief in what I have not seen and promises of joy and gladness. I choose to live free of the constraints of my fears and doubts. I choose to live deliberately committing myself to God.