Lonely Condom Seeks Valentine

Valentine’s Day with National Condom Week

Condom-Man-04.jpg

Is it any surprise that today is not only Valentine’s Day but also National Condom Week? Not to me. I can see the correlation here. Honestly, can’t you see it?

Here we are embarking on another V-day where expectations are high and demand is even higher. So, she is expecting a great dinner with flowers and chocolates. You may not be ready to give her that ring she wants but you sure want to get into her pants tonight, right? [Read more...]

Irresponsible Dad Problem Not Lazy Son

I have been married for many years, and my husband and I live together. His unemployed and (otherwise homeless) adult son lives with us as well. We have 3 young children from our marriage together. His son does not respect ANY of the rules of the house, doesn’t do any chores, doesn’t contribute anything positive at all. He lies. Disrupts the household. Yells at me and the kids.

How do I tell my husband me and the kids or his son?
Living In Turmoil

Dear Living In Turmoil,

Are you frikking kidding me! Why would you even want to stay with that moron who did such a lousy job with his first son? He will do the same for the other three and they will all end up at your doorstep, all homeless and needy.

If you do not see that this situation is on the whole bad for all of you, I am not sure that you hold a job that needs any intelligence. What in the world are you waiting for? An act of Congress to get your butt out of there and protect your children from this lazy, no good, user? Well, you will wait a long time since they don’t have their act together either.

Get off your scared lazy behind and take those children out of there before more harm is caused by the irresponsible behavior of the father. NOT the son, the DAD is the problem. His loose ideals will ruin all of them.
Blessings on your Oh so lame excuses,
-Baba Rumcake

Inappropriate Behavior Elicits Enthusiasm

Dear Baba Rumcake,
They announce your presence to everyone in the room. They say I JUST DROPPED ASS AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET HIT IN THE GRILL WITH IT. I will never tire of farting loudly and simultaneously striking any sort of amateur karate stance.

However, I’ve recently changed my eating habits and managed to reduce my considerable ass girthiness. I’ve also taken to eating lots of fiber: fruits and Metamucil and what not. Fiber, as you know, will make you fart your fucking brains out. I have also discovered that the majority of these fiber farts are silent in nature. You push them out and it’s all psssssssssss. No thunderclap. No presence.

Any seasoned farter knows fart sounds can be manipulated. You can make a fart loud by sitting on a wooden bench or whatever. And that’s always fun. I always figured farting loudly and boldly was more fun than passing off an SBD. But this recent run of silent farts has been MAGICAL. There’s nothing quite like letting out a soundless fart and then WAITING for everyone else to smell it. You know it’s gonna smell. You know what you just fucking ate. You know it’s only a matter of time before the shock and revulsion hits everyone in the room. I can’t even hide it all that well any more. I just start giggling like a madman about to nuke a city. Then my wife will look over.
Noisy Farter

I have nothing to say to that! Just sharing people’s disgusting behaviors and the nerve they have for sharing. :)
Your life is pathetic. So pathetic in fact, that you actually came up with THREE paragraphs on this subject, typed it up, hit preview; then still decided to submit it!

Baba Rumcake

True Confessions Can Be Destructive

Tree in summerTrue Confessions Day

Please don’t be stupid and go confessing something that would cause trouble in your marriage or relationships in general. Just because today is True Confessions Day does not mean you should go into work and tell your Boss that you hate them, no matter how much you want to do it.

Just because today claims to be that day does not mean you have to tell your sister that if she was not family, you would never have thought of knowing her. It is not only creepy, it is rude and unnecessary.

Do not go and tell your spouse that you have been having an affair with her best friend. Who cares you silly sod. Keep it to yourself and do not ruin her life and her relationships. [Read more...]

Marriage Vows Not Always “Till Do Us Part”

Dear Baba Rumcake,
When does it stop hurting?
Recently separated from my husband and I know he’s not good for me. (Basically our whole marriage was a fraud for my money) I know that in my head, but my heart still hurts so much.
How do you get over a man that you promised in front of your family and God that you would love forever?

Hardly Over It in O’Brien [Read more...]

Free To Be Creepy

which-one-are-you.jpgItchy, Bitchy, Crampy, Moody, Weepy, you get the idea. Which one are you?

At birth we are 90% body water. In adulthood it decreases to 70-75%. When we age we dry up like prunes and we are at an ever low of 50%.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because today is Perigean Spring Tides. I could go on and on and explain what that is but you will find that on Wikipedia. [Read more...]

Gay, Past Life; Are You Serious?

Dear Baba Rumcake,
I love my wife and children but occasionally, I like to be with men. Does that mean I was gay in a past life?

Tantalized from Cleveland

Dear Tantalized,

No, I would say, no. You were not gay, in a past life. You are gay, in this life.

Are you kidding, pal? I got it, that, you lived your life hiding behind the marriage certificate, bully for you. You have children too, very clever. I imagine, that you think that you are outsmarting everyone who loves you, by having such a great cover. You are not the first nor will you be the last man to do that.

It is interesting that you would want to believe that you were gay in a past life so that you would not admit that you are gay right now, in this life, at this moment. Which makes you an imaginative jughead.

If you continue down that path, it will be alright for a while, I guess, but not for long. Since you are gay, you will make mistakes and will get caught. When your wife finds out, she will probably want to bash your head in. Forewarned is forearmed!

Either stay off the “sauce” or get out, of the proverbial, closet, and live your life the way you want to live it.

So, just to clarify, so that there would be no mistakes about my answer to you, I will explain again.

You are gay. Do not make witless excuses for your needs.

Any man, who wants to be, with another man, is gay. Grow up! Past lives excuse, is for Quixotic dimwits.

Blessings on your past life.

Baba Rumcake

Do You Have a Significant Jerk?

23 Reasons Why You Might Have a Significant Jerk

Below are reasons to dump the jerk in your life. It could be a man or a woman. Don’t be sexist. Just because, it is a jerk, does not mean, just men, it could be a jerk woman; i.e. BITCH. If they do any or a combination of the following things, then today is:

Dump Your Significant Jerk Day!

(for men, please substitute she, thanks)

  • If he mentions how or what you eat; anything about food, dump the jerk.
  • If he ever hit you, dump him.
  • If he intimidates you, dump his ass.
  • If he does not want to meet your parents, dump him.
  • If he does not like ANY of your friends, he is not good.
  • If he does not like you to do anything besides with him, he is controlling.
  • If he hates it when you take up a hobby, he is a jerk.
  • If he is on the phone while ordering his coffee, he is rude and will be to you too in the future.
  • If he does not stand up when he meets your mother or father, he is worthless and disrespectful.
  • If he cannot support himself, get rid of him.
  • If you are the butt of his jokes with people dump him.
  • If he hates it when you warm up against him, he is a jerk.
  • If her spends no time alone with you, he is a jerk.
  • If her does not call when he is going to be late, yep jerk.
  • If he does not cuddle, then he is not a keeper.
  • If he does not kiss you and touch you sometimes, dump the ass.
  • If he watches gay porn he is gay, dump him (for men, maybe you do not want to dump her).
  • If he is texting your girlfriends to go out with them, without your knowledge while trying to be with you, pure jerk.
  • iI he cheats and you accept it, he will do it again; jerk, no surprise there.
  • If he is not reliable, today is the day.
  • If he is not stronger than you physically, (just for women).
  • If you do not feel secure in him, dump him.
  • And finally, if you do not feel safe with him, dump the jerk.

Do you have any other reasons to add to this list? Comments are now open…

The Big D, File or Not File?

Dear Baba Rumcake,
Moved out a year ago. I am paralyzed in trying to make a decision to file. I can’t even use the word. What do I do?
Indecisive in Independence

Dear Indecisive,
If you moved out of the schmuck’s house, I assume, he is not worth keeping. You made the first move now take the next step and set yourself free.

If I don’t wear something for six months, I give it away, throw it out or sell it. A year is a long time, to hang on to something that is way past its use.

Take the proverbial, thumb out of your mouth, and do the thing that needs to be done. No one else will do it for you. Cut the apron strings, cut up rough and get a move on!

There is no cause for waffling here. If you want to go back, do it. If you want to stay out, then file the papers and move on with the next phase of your uncertain life.

Healing will come; after closure.

Blessings on your reluctant self this day. Let me know how you do.

Baba Rumcake

Alone should not mean lonely!

Dear Baba Rumcake,

Hi! How does one get past the lonely feelings?
Divorced Dan in Durham

Dear Divorced,
You can be alone, but not lonely.You need to learn to be by yourself. Your question implies that you have not learned to be by yourself, for any length of time.

Learning to be alone is an art, worth exploring. Join a Yoga group. Learn to meditate. Join a singles club. Get out, have coffee and engage with strangers.

People who cannot be alone, generally, do not like themselves. When you like someone, you spend time with them. You need to learn to like who you are. If there are things you do not like about yourself, this is the time to explore them and make the necessary changes. Consider this the transition time, for meeting the woman of your future.

You will survive. But that is not enough. You need to learn to partake of life. Get out there and live.

Blessings on your alone days. Let me know how it goes.
Baba Rumcake