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Looney in Lexington

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Dear Baba Rumcake,

The love of my life got mad at me about six months ago, and refused to speak to me. I apologized and begged, but he would not talk to me. I had to get over him.

6-7 months later, he emails me his deployment address to Afghanistan, so I thought maybe he’d had time to cool off, and if I showed him again how much I cared.

I sent him a care pack, and he emailed me and said thank you, and we emailed back and forth a few times, and I sent him another care pack and a card for Veteran’s Day. Then he tells me he was leaving on a mission, and would be gone for several weeks, and to have a Merry Christmas.

I sent him 3 more care packs during that time, one for Christmas, one for NY, and one for regular toiletries and things.

I also sent him an email on Christmas day telling him Merry Christmas, and that he was being prayed for/thought of on the holiday.

On NYE, I find out from some guys in his group that he hasn’t been anywhere..he got back 2 weeks earlier and just didn’t bother to email me. Or let me know he got the packages, even though he was IMing and skyping with other girls (which he never asked me to do)

I emailed him and told him that I found out about it, and told him to remove me from his contact list so there were no more mis-commmunications, and he emailed me back telling me not to question his integrity, he had not lied to me, he never asked me for anything. and that he had sent me a letter in the mail the day he got back (which was a lie as I have not received one )

So I emailed him back , and told hiim that he may think he is a big hot shot with a girlfriend to skype with, but she would end up cheating on him, that most girls cheat on guys over there, they post all over Facebook about how much they love and miss their man, but they get with other guys, and I told him that he was a fool for falliing for it.

Give it to me straight, rofo…how crazy did  I seem? I know I seemed off..but I was so hurt that he wasn’t just honest with me. and I feel used.

Looney in Lexington

Dear Looney,

One of the biggest problems of this situation is our inability to move on. Get a grip! Move on, child! He is not interested.

Why are you trying so hard with this guy? Is he that special? What is it about him that makes you so obsessive and ready to make an ass of yourself?

When you find out all these things, you will find out how to get over that kind of behavior. You should put this compulsion into something more productive. Sounds to me that you have lots of drive but in the wrong directions.

And now to answer your question: Yes you are looney and crazy. Dump the bastard and move on with your life. There are lots of fish in the sea. Your catch with rat in the sand was rotten. Thank him for serving our nation and move on.

Blessings on coming to your senses. Let  me know how it works out for you.

Baba Rumcake

Desperate in Detroit

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Dear Baba Rumcake,

I love my GF and she’s hot now, but I see potential-for-her-to-get fat with middle age (she’s 26 now). or possibly with the comfort of marriage. or possibly because of her career ambitions (extra time at work means more snacks and less exercise).

I am a marriage-minded guy and would happily marry her if I could be assured she won’t blow up.

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?

continue this relationship until she gets fat?
marry her and divorce if she gets fat?
dump her now?

if I dump her now, what justification do I use? everything is great now. can I actually tell her, “I think you’re going to get fat and I’m not down with having a fat wife”?
Desperate in Detroit

Dear Desperate and don’t care where you are,

You say you are a “marriage-minded guy?” Do you know what marriage is? Marriage is promising your love to someone “in sickness and in health.” Marriage is about love. You say you love your girlfriend?

The fact that her weight is a significant factor to you and that the mere potential for weight-gain is enough for you to contemplate breaking it off is a sure sign to me that you do not know what love is. I couldn’t give you the definition of love, but I know for sure that it isn’t what you feel for this woman, and I am fairly certain that you are incapable of feeling it at all.

Until you grow up a little bit, I don’t think you have the right to inflict your hand in marriage on any poor woman. Maybe you should watch Shallow Hal and Beauty and the Beast a few more times.

In answer to your question of when you should break it off with your girlfriend, I highly recommend that you do it immediately. In answer to your question of the reason you should tell her, tell her the truth—“I am a shallow asshole, incapable of giving you the love and respect that you deserve. Therefore, it is imperative that we end this fraudulent relationship.”

Blessing on expanding your mind this day. Go Rot,

Baba Rumcake

Repentant in Colorado

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Dear Baba Rumcake,
How to reclaim your reputation?

Can someone give me some pointers on this? In the last 4 yrs or so, I managed to be overly edgy and even rude to people that I should have been more kind, friendly, and gracious to. I was critical (not outwardly) and just an unhappy person wherever I went.

Outside of moving from this city, and starting again, what can I do now, esp. when I see these people again?

Repentant in Colorado

Dear Repentant,

It is easier if you just pick and start over. But, since you do not want to do that, you have your work cut out for you.
Here are several suggestions to ingratiate yourself with people you have offended:

  1. If it is an older person, take out their trash, ask if they need a ride to the grocery store and accompany them.
  2. Babysit for someone, she will appreciate the offer. She will probably not let you, from your history, but it is a foot in the door. Shows you are trying.
  3. Buy someone a cup of coffee and suggest that it is an apology.
  4. Open and hold the door for one of those people the next time you see them.
  5. Smile, a lot. It will help ease the awkwardness.
  6. If she or he, reads, ask what they are reading lately. Offer to loan them a book of yours.

This is an exceedingly short list. There is so much more you must do to show gratitude and appreciation of others. Don’t be a putz. Even if you feel bad and yucky, do not take it out on others. Have some self control.

Blessings on your change of attitude. Let me know how it works out for you.

Baba Rumcake

Married to a Gay Man

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Dear Baba Rumcake,

My husband jacks off to gay porn like all the time. but I KNOW he enjoys sex with me. It is very obvious. but He likes to sneak away and beat off to this stuff about half the time. Says it reminds him of nasty things he did in boarding school. Should I be concerned?
__________

Dear married to a gay guy:

Should you be concerned?  Perhaps, but not about that which already concerns you.  Allow me to explain.

The fact that your husband masturbates to porn is not really the biggest problem here.  Masturbating is much healthier than going out and having actual sex with actual people.  I believe this is true of most pornography, gay or straight.  No chance of sharing STD’s, HIV, crabs, or other nasty nanocrud, not to mention the betrayal of a reasonable expectation of fidelity.

No, the problem here is that you are married to a gay guy and you don’t seem to understand that you are married to a gay guy.  Let me put this into a language that even a nitwit can follow.

Many gay men, who have no interest in women, will nevertheless marry women in order to have the trappings of a traditional home life, including children. It may be an unpleasant duty.  They may pretend otherwise.  They may perform their spousal function the way some children will eat their broccoli: they feel they have to get through it in order to get dessert.  Some men are bi-sexual and want to enjoy the full complement of all the sexual food groups.  Some men are latent homosexuals: they may not realize yet that they are gay, or they may be deceiving themselves.  These types of marriages are not necessarily bad or undesirable.  They can be quite workable as long as both parties know what is happening and agree to abide by the consequences.  I suspect that your husband falls into the first category, primarily because of the stupid excuse he gave you about it.

Having sex with another man = gay.
Thinking about having sex with another man makes him sexually excited = gay.
Thinking about having sex with another man while having sex with you = gay (unless this is a technique to hold out longer so you can catch up).
Going to boarding school = not gay.
Having sex with other boys in boarding school = gay.
Thinking about the boys he had sex with in boarding school and having orgasms while watching other men have sex instead of having sex with the wife = ___________.

If you filled in the blank with anything other than g-a-y = you are a naive idiot.  You’re being not only stupid, but easily manipulated (and not in the good way), should concern you more than anything your gay husband is doing.  It’s fine if you want to be married to a gay guy.  If you don’t, you should probably get another husband.  It should also make you wonder what else you are stupid about.

Blessings and let me know how you do.

Baba Rumcake

Confused in Sausalito

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Dear Baba Rumcake,

OCD or just really clean ? My new bf is much, much neater and cleaner than I am.

He takes the cup he made tea in, rinses it w water, then puts it in the dishwasher. This is herb tea w no sugar or milk.

I say that the cup can be dried immediately after rinsing or goes in the dish drain to dry by itself.

Is he over the top or do most people do this ?

Confused in Sausalito

Dear Confused,
You need much more information than that to find out if he is OCD. Check out the cabinets, are all the cans in alphabetical order? Check out the fridge, are the bottles in order of height in the door?

Most of all, check out his closet. Are his clothes in color order? Are the socks set up in some form of design?

Before you decide that he is OCD, keep watch for other signs.

But, I do have to say that it is rather manby bamby of him to rinse off a sugarless cup of herbal tea.

Blessings on finding out the truth. Let me know how it works out.

Baba Rumcake